I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
