Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
