Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
