I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
