apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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