I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
