Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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