Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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