You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
