take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
