All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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