Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i drank out of a bidet.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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