Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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