i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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