when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
