if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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