how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
