Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
