dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
