9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
what is it with giant penises always finding me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
