Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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