next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
