maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
