I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
