By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
