The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just threw up on my dentist
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
