Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
