she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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