Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
