Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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