I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
