I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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