I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
