my vag is so smooth its legendary
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
