So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
