Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
