Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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