Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
