There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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