There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
