Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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