Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
