He told me they were just razor bumps!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's shark week go big or go home
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
