I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
