I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She bit a glass in half.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
