my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
