I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
