I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
