Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Congratulations! We have a period
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