Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
