I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
